Well, fret no more, because Sunday is Funday, this week! It's Gambling Day!
Yes, it will be fun for the whole family, some of whom may have never gambled before, some how thinking it's a sin!
But this gambling is Board approved! Elder approved! So it's AALLL good!
Since so many of you are unfamiliar with gambling, here's how it's going to work!
There are four boxes for you to choose from! In three of the boxes, you can't see what you're going to get! Maybe it'll be nice! Maybe it'll be affordable! Yay!
But watch out! Because maybe it will bankrupt the church! Box One says "A million dollars!" Will it be a million? Can it be? Who knows, that's why it's "gambling"! Box Two says - oh, wait, it's unmarked! How much will it cost? Can it be afforded?
You won't know till you play!
Box Three? Ahh, your leaders want you to be aided in this, so they've arranged for a contractor to bring you by an estimate on that - but, ha, ha!, that info won't come in till a week after you've already chose!
Peeved? Aww, c'mon! Don't be party poopers! We've still got one box left you can pick! While leaving the other boxes plain and poorly marked, this one the leaders have wrapped up all pretty! With shiny wrapping paper and everything! Even a bow! And glitter!
Oh, and look, the price is plainly marked on the outside! "Just" six figures! About $150,000! True, you don't have $150,000, and true there's a tiny "plus" sign just after that figure, because those estimates were for if everything went perfect and there was no mold in the big pointy roof that we all know has it, but hey, what's an extra hundred thousand or so in cost overruns among friends?
And if you aren't willing to pony up the big bucks, well, you're hardly a player then, are you?
Ahh, but silly me. I've not told you all what you can all win come Gambling Day!
Well, if you pick Box Number One, the prettily wrapped one that the leaders have made it super-duper obvious that they wish you to pick, you'll win...
You'll win...
A DOUBLING OF THE CHURCH OPERATING BUDGET!
That's right, besides our church already teetering on the brink of insolvency over our monthly costs, you'll be able to double those costs to make the mission of running this church even more impossible than it currently is!
But that's not all!
You'll also win 10 or so folks stubbornly sitting in the new building, and insisting on a video link for health reasons! Yes, with a vote for Box Number One, you get all the expenses and bankruptcy you could dream of, and still get to divide the church membership!
But wait, that's still not all!
You'll also win future lawsuits, from workers, from neighbors, from members, none of whom are going to be so dumb as to buy what the daughter of the mold expert (who couldn't be bothered to show up) had to say.
Some churches have actual leadership so as to not let members make such irresponsible decisions, but when a big donor is breathing down their necks to push this to a vote - and a very particular vote! - then you WIN by getting to play fast and loose for these huge stakes!
Thanks, Leadership!
But I know some of you are saying, "Wait, what if we pick some of the other boxes? Can we avoid the prize of lawsuits and bankruptcies then?"
Well, since you ask...and I sure don't want to take the fun out of it by giving away any spoilers, but...
...NOPE!
Sure can't!
But golly, that's because Gambling Day at church is just like Gambling Day any where else! Where you spend money you don't really have on stuff you can't really afford, and lose more than you can, to get less than was offered!
That's why they call it Gambling! That's why fuddy duddies who read the Bible think it's sinful!
No, for each of the other three boxes that leadership pretends it's okay for you to vote on, they all have something in common with the first box.
Can you guess? It's that it requires you to vote to spend money - any amount of money - that the church doesn't actually have!
"What!?", I hear it cried out. "What of the $120,000 or so that I heard we had in the account!? Can't we gamble with that!?"
Well, sure, golly gee, we sure as heck and hollerin' can gamble with that! Because in doing so, we would be imitating every loser husband who takes the paycheck meant for utilities and the mortgage and places it on the "sure thing" of Lucky Lady Loo to "show" in the 2nd horse race!
Because you see, just like that sinning dad who owes utilities and a mortgage, our church owes money. Quite a lot of it. In fact, our church owes so much money that the entire $120,000 that we "have" would not pay that debt off.
But like any other irresponsible gambler, we're figuring that when you're down and out, and owe hundreds of thousands, that you don't get cold feet and stop gambling! Oh, no! That's when the real players "double down" and throw that good money after bad! Mah lucks gonna change! Ah ken feel it! C'mon, sevens! Papa needs a new renovation!
Woo hoo!
I mean, seriously, what boring old fuddy duddy would want us to use $120,000 to pay of our debts in a responsible fashion so that from a position of financial strength we could slowly grow the church and fulfill the Great Commission?
BOOOORRRRRINGGG!!!!
Why would we ever do that, when we can have the fun of throwing integrity and honesty to the wind, and taking the money that we owe to others - others who foolishly trusted us - and toss it all on the bet of one of these shiny boxes, where no matter what we get, we'll surely get at least get something!
Yay! Because that's what it's all about, right? We ignoring our debts and "voting" ourselves the right to be bad, the right to be naughty, the right to get something new and shiny, be it a renovated old church or a spruced up new church!
New! Shiny! Fun!
Not boring and responsible like paying debts!
Ahhh, how wonderful that all we kids here today have no leadership to keep us from voting ourselves the keys to the treasury! How wonderful that our leaders have no desire at all to keep us from committing the church to a disastrous financial path - and have provided us with four financially disastrous paths to choose from!
Oh, sure, they did it to keep their buddy happy, the one who has a real jones for the old church being renovated,and has the donating power to force that. But that they then foist this off on us, instead of taking responsibility for this, that's so darn nice! Almost as if they want some plausible deniability after it all goes south - oh, but never mind, let's have fun!
Now the gamble that they had no desire to make, as they did not want to be blamed later, is here for us to have fun with! Fun!! Now we can roll our dice and take our chances! Round and around she goes, and where she stops - pain and heartache and bankruptcy - we all already know!
Put your money down folks! Step right up!
EHH-VREE one is a winner!
If bankruptcy counts as a win.
(This Gambling Day has been brought to you by Satan. He's been glad to have you drive away members - and potential new members - for the last four years over this nonsense, and he's glad to see that since the Board abdicated their responsibilities, that this Gambling Day vote will help drive away even more folks soon. That the remainder of the members will then be on a sinking ship, is just more gravy for him. Enjoy Gambling Day - and remember, if you hear any voice of reason, ignore it! Your leaders couldn't have mislead you, don't let facts get in the way of believing what lets you then have fun, Fun, FUN!!)
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